


you're an earthly comfort, yet so divine

by scumfucklesbian



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mythology, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mutual Pining, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Slow Burn, but like not based on actual mythology, its a mythology au babey, its more like a light simmer, neither of them have any chill, noah and k are also gods, prepare for over 10k words of emotional baggage, pretentious writing and pseudo religious imagery, really shitty latin, ronan is a god, there's references to greek gods though, they're both pining idiots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-07-09 04:47:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19881892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scumfucklesbian/pseuds/scumfucklesbian
Summary: When the magician first walked into the room, it seemed all language, alive and dead, had left Ronan's head completely.He was wiped of any memory, rendered mute at the sight of a god amongst men. The boy was otherworldy, no doubt a son of Gaia, human and not at the same time. He wondered if this is what Hades felt when he first laid his eyes on Persephone. He wondered if Achilles had fallen for Patroclus just as quickly.(The god of creation was dead, leaving behind a mess that poisoned Gaia and all her children.Enter one Adam Parrish, a lowly mortal without faith, tasked to bring the deceased god's heir back home.)





	1. filius tarræ

**Author's Note:**

> there are mentions of Adam's abuse in this chapter and some of it is a little graphic, this chapter is the worst of it though but do proceed with caution.

The gods are gifts to mortals like Adam Parrish, the son of a dishonourable trader rotting slowly from famine like the rest of the mortals living in Henrietta. Their blessings kept their crops flourishing and brought health for the pregnant women cramping together in small spaces. In gratefulness, or perhaps fear, the villagers offer their wealth and devotion to these divine beings that allowed them one more miserable day of life.

Too bad the gods are dying, bringing every mortal down with them.

At times like these, Adam feels more and more part of the land. His veins the decomposing roots underneath the soil he's forced to dig up for extra coins, his sweat trickling down his neck the drying up streams just outside the town. His tears were once the rain but even the clouds had no more moisture to offer the cracking ground.

Gaia was dying and she was bringing down her children in the grave with her.

Adam watched solemnly with almost empty eyes as the crops he was supposed to cultivate for coins dried up under his fingers, crushed easily into dust with the slightest pressure from his calloused fingers. While the market for food went higher, it was harder to earn any living when there was barely anything to sell anyways. The sound of his angry stomach made its emptiness known, upset that Adam had tortured it by selling half his lunch away for a solid four pieces of gold and then giving the other half away to a small child slumped in the streets. He knew she wouldn't make it past the age of six at most but still gave her the crumbs of his loaf. He knew he was soon to hear rumours of her passing soon enough. At least she had a last meal.

Adam bit hard down on the flesh of his wrist to tame his famine, feeling the claws of death already clinging on him. He was young and considered still strong around here, if he was still able to walk he was considered more than lucky. Adam knew he could force himself another day, he wouldn't allow himself to simply rot so soon. Pure spite kept him alive and he hoped it was enough to distract him from the miserable hunger that ate him inside out.

Adam turned his head to the dull grey sky and briefly considered praying the few words he knew in Latin to the absent gods. He then laughed bitterly to himself and continued to reap his dead vegetation.

Adam did not pray to the gods, not since he was young. He already had bruises on his knees without the help of the chapel ground and he could use the time he would've spent praying to nothing to work a few more hours for a few more coins. Whenever a villager found out this fact, that Adam did not mindlessly lie through his teeth to the sky like the rest of them, he got a disgusted sneer and a cloud of judgement that followed his brittle form wherever he went. He brushed it off easily, they were no better than him after all things considered. Adam wasn't the one married to his sister and sleeping with slave girls in his spare time just to go to the chapel like a fool. Adam knew he wasn't lesser or more than every other ugly sinner and every other uglier believer.

He just simply knew there was no use in begging the heavens for his mortal wishes, not when heaven turned a deaf ear to his torture, as functional as Adam's own left ear from the fist of his father.

Hours past with Apollo's sun torturing him and tanning his already blistering skin, his back ached and his abdomen stung with a hunger he wasn't unfamiliar with. Hours had gone past and Adam only had a handful of wheat stocks that weren't as rotten as he felt. He tucked the disappointing payment of his hard labour into his hole infested sack before preparing himself to tug the wagon back to the edge of the field. The call of civilisation was beaconing him back, Adam wanted nothing more than to stay in these fields alone and die to the sight of open stars.

He can already feel his father's ugly fists, bony and rough just like Adam's, hitting his tired body. He can already hear the blood hot anger and the accusations that Adam had stolen from the crops or else there was more to sell. Adam didn't bother preparing to argue that all the crops were dying all over Henrietta, he knew his father never listened anyway.

But his father wasn't home yet, not until sundown did Adam really have to return. His house, a cramp and dank building he shared with countless other poor families, would only occupy his mother at this time. A mother who didn't want to see him and be reminded of his ugly existence anyways. So he made his way to the center of town instead where he took comfort in being unknown and ignored, a state he constantly lived in but among the other villagers he would be less likely be punished for it too.

The walk to town was uneventful like most things in Adam's life. Perhaps it was full of magic and significance if he paid attention to it but Adam had gotten used to it the same way he had gotten used to ugly bruises decorating his tender ribs. So like every other thing that had become familiar to Adam Parrish, it passed by him without his attention. His life was not living, simply a luck of mortality.

This was not a view of the world he shared with Richard Campbell Gansey the third, another familiar thing in Adam's life, who believed in gods and magic without considering the ugliness that everyone else recognised. He lived life like it was worth living, everything wonderful and mysterious to his boyish nature, a direct opposite to Adam's cultivated pessimism.

Of course, Gansey was also rich and didn't struggle with his own mortality daily.

Adam tries to hide his envy and hunger around the oblivious boy as often as possible but it was simply a challenge to befriend someone so in love with a life that Adam had to suffer through firsthand without the comfort of luxury.

He knew he was being bitter again, catching himself before the poison spread too much. There was no use in such unpleasantries, Gansey was his _friend_.

Still, his friend would never understand the comfort from simplicity the way simple village boys like Adam had to take in. He wouldn't understand the need to be ignored in a crowd full of similar faces, all sunken eyes and brittle bones. Gansey _couldn't_ understand how having time to spare to lay next to a statue was considered a luxury in its self.

Adam had to learn not to blame him for his insensitivity towards Adam and his very mortal life. Gansey hadn't chosen to be born blue-blooded the same way Adam hadn't chosen to be born dirt-poor and loveless. That was just fate's cruel game, Adam was more than thankful Gansey wanted Adam's friendship above anyone else's.

Anyways, the way Gansey waited for him at the statue of Gaia in the centre of town, nose buried deep in a book that left him in a completely different world, was a thoughtful gesture that thawed the ice around Adam's heart. He doesn't think he was really capable of hating Gansey. Not when Gansey knew him well enough to know Adam sought solace in the aged Gaia statue.

Adam did not pray to the gods but he confided in the statue of Gaia placed in the centre of town, ringed by a pond of dirty water and decorated with thin vines crawling up her faded marble feet. She was his protector even if she paid him no mind, the mother of Henrietta. He sometimes wished she was his real mother, a silly though he refused to share with anyone else. There was something comforting about her even if she wasn't sentient and couldn't actually offer him any real comfort. She listened passively without judgement, a skill Adam didn't even have for himself. She was familiar the same way Gansey was familiar, two parts of Henrietta Adam loved most.

It didn't matter at that moment that the Ganseys were wealthier than gods themselves, well-bred royalty, sheltered from the suffering the rest of the folks who could barely afford a blanket had to survive. Not when Gansey smiled and waved at Adam like he was worth such an innocent friendship.

Adam smiled back, a dimple making its appearance known to see all the things he cared about in one place.

Beside the youngest Gansey was a short girl who barely reached his collarbone despite Gansey being below average height for a boy his age. The psychics' daughter they called her, Adam knew she was more than that. She was living, breathing magic. She looked as uninterested as ever about whatever Gansey had decided to bother her with today and Adam took comfort in the look of irritation on her face. She was the last thing he loved most about Henrietta, Blue Sargent, a tornado in the form of a small girl.

She groaned at the sight of Adam in relief, continuing to play the annoyance act even though no one was really capable of resisting Gansey's boyish charm. Her crooked smile betrayed her real feelings though, fondness for both her best friends. Adam groaned in reply, mocking her before taking his rightful place beside Gansey, a knight to the king. Their greeting was devoid of any actual words, just playful smiles in understanding. Both Gansey and Blue's gazes were laced with pity at the sight of Adam's heavy under-eye bags and hunched shoulders. Adam ignored it when she knocked her knuckles against Gansey's, pretending that they weren't tip toeing around him like he was a damaged, fragile thing.

Avoidance was a dance the three of them were graceful in.

They avoided subjects so they could avoid fights, pretend it wasn't there rather than acknowledge it. It was a silent agreement they were all committed to, willing to play this game to protect each other, it was simply how they showed fondness.

There was always something to avoid among them; Adam's bruises, Gansey's trauma, Blue's curse. They avoided the fact that Adam was smitten for Blue. They avoided the fact that so was Gansey.

It was just easier this way.

But by miracle or perhaps by fate, Gansey had decided to stop ignoring the fact that Gaia was dying all around them.

It wasn't a secret how passionately Blue felt about Gaia's demise especially since her main deity was Demeter. It wasn't a secret that the fall of Gaia was physically hurting Adam for some inexplainable reason none of the psychics of the village would give him a straight answer to, always giving him clues with tarot cards and riddles that frustrated him to no end.

So it was strange that Gansey, who had no personal ties with Gaia herself, was the one to knock down their momentum in their little dance and trip the other two dancers on their feet. Gansey was born into a life that made sure he never had to worry about Gaia's dwindling resources and life span. Maybe that's why Adam liked him so much, he wasn't _required_ to care about Gaia the same way Blue and Adam did, he just _did_. 

"Have you heard about the _Greywaren_?" He had asked, eyes sparkling with wonder and boyish adoration. He breathed out the word ' _Greywaren_ ' like it was a magic spell, Adam had no doubt Gansey could turn any word to a magic spell.

Both Adam and Blue had nodded their heads, there wasn't a single soul in Henrietta who hasn't heard about the ' _Greywaren_ ' story. Even loveless homes like Adam's had told the story, the single mother sleeping on the ground just a few feet away from Adam's family had told him the story when he was still loveable.

Despite already hearing the story, Gansey went ahead and retold the myth, something that neither Blue or Adam could deny from him. Not when Gansey sounded so alive talking about the ' _Greywaren'_ , the god of creation.

His mortal name had been Niall Lynch. Adam wasn't sure why gods needed mortal names in the first place but he chose to ignore the detail in favour of watching Blue snicker at Gansey's silly Irish accent talking about how the god of creation, so invincible and magical and untouchable, had fallen in love with a dream.

They all knew about the Greywaren, the god of creation, the dreamer. They all knew how the story went, how the dreamer fell in love with a dream only to die like gods tend to do sometimes. Like Gaia was doing right now.

What was strange was why Gansey had brought up the Gaia issue and jumped into full out storytelling mode. When Adam asked just this, the grin split on Gansey's lips was so wide it was concerning.

"Well, legend has it-"

" _Another_ legend? _Really_ , Gansey?"

Regardless of Blue's protests, the tone Gansey had used had successfully gained the rapt attention of both Blue and Adam, excited and terrified for whatever myth has caught Gansey's fancy this time. The last time it had been a sleeping Welsh king that Gansey had forced them to search for with him. They groaned but followed along anyway. Knights rarely denied their king. Fact is, Blue and Adam would follow Gansey to the edges of the world without any questions asked.

Gansey rolled his eyes at his friends obviously faked reluctance, not allowing them to interrupt him again, "Well the legend says that Niall had left behind an heir"

Adam's breath hitched in anticipation.

Another god of creation meant there was someone else to-

"-dream up a new Gaia, bring back life" Adam whispered to himself, apparently too loudly since both Blue and Gansey jumped slightly at his voice.

"Well yes actually, Adam! Excellent job" Gansey praised and Adam couldn't help but preen under the attention despite hating when he did, "But the legend also says the new Greywaren is too weak to do it on his own, he needs some sort of resting place I think? The legend didn't really give too many details"

The way Gansey spoke the last part sounded less like a myth and more like a fact, Adam swallowed nervously as he awaited Gansey to reveal some sort of huge secret that would definitely be the death of Adam.

"Uh huh," Blue said sarcastically as she fixed Gansey with a stern glare and her hands rested on her hips, "And where exactly did you get this legend from?"

Gansey looked sheepish with his cheeks bright red, stuttering very un-Gansey like but very Gansey-around-Blue-Sargent like. He looks ashamed and rushes his words in fear of assault from Blue's very tiny frame.

"Maura Sargent"

Blue's mother, a _psychic_.

Fuck.

★

  
"Why did she tell _you_ of all people? How about, I don't know? Her own _daughter_!?"

Gansey shrugged passively, not prepared enough for Blue Sargent's five foot zero blazing red rage. Smart choice, Adam noted. Blue was quite frankly, terrifying.

"Don't give me that look!" Blue continued giving him _that_ look anyways, "I was just getting supplies when Maura took my palm and started telling me something about destinies and fates!"

Gansey was trying to defend himself from Blue's disbelief but the excited lilt to his old money accent betrayed how unapologetic he really was. Adam rolled his eyes between his two friends, prepared to run in case either of them saying anything stupid.

" _Destinies?_ "

Gansey looked sheepish as he nodded shyly, telling them exactly what Maura had told him just two days ago back at the psychic's inn, _Fox way_.

It went like this; the dreamer was the one bringing life to Gaia. The dreamer had died when he wasn't supposed to. Fortunately, he had an heir. Unfortunately, the son of dreamers and dreams was restless and awake when he should not be. His dreaming, a divine process of creation, was a simple fix to Gaia's discord. The only issue was the god wasn't asleep. He could not take his father's place. He did not _want_ to take his father's place. Adam glanced back at people dying on the streets and frowned, he didn't realise gods could be so selfish.

With being awake, there were no dreams and hence there was no creation. The crops were dying and so were the people just because the sleeper wasn't asleep. The dreamer stubbornly refused to be put to slumber. It seemed the dreamer was too weak to dream, at least the same way his father did.

It seemed, according to Maura and her tarot cards at least, that only Cabeswater could lull the dreamer to calm down and return to slumber. Cabeswater seemed to be a place where mortals didn't belong.

Adam snorted in amusement when Gansey finished his retelling. Blue looked sceptical but effectively stopped ribbing Gansey playfully. She believed destinies and fate weren't something to make light of. Adam rolled his eyes for the umpteenth time.

"What is he? A toddler? Can't sleep without some magical baby cot so he throws a tantrum and kills more than half the population?"

Both of his friends give him a stern look, warning him not to joke about the subject of gods or destinies. Adam shook it off but felt a small prickling of guilt for being insensitive. He wasn't raised a boy of faith but that doesn't make whatever Gansey or Blue believed any less important.

Adam shows his remorse in the form of a defeated huff but continued to listen to Gansey anyways.

"And what? You're the one supposed to put the dreamer to sleep?" Blue asked, barely masking the hurt in her voice. Adam understood her very well then, looking at Gansey like he was a king.

Destinies like these were written among the stars for the nobles. Historic quests that brought honour, fame and wealth were reserved for first sons and brave knights such as Richard Campbell Gansey the third. From the moment Gansey was born, he was meant for greatness.

That left little to nothing for below ordinary townsfolk like Adam and Blue but it rarely bothered them, they had accepted very early on in life that they were simply not cut for such a high life, even if they still fantasied secretly about glory and their own significance.

It had made sense when Gansey was tasked with transporting the weaken god of creation back to his natural soils.

It didn't help to lessen Adam's or Blue's envy though.

Gansey nodded, boyish excitement evident and in full force that in knocked Adam off his feet even if he was sitting down around the edge of Gaia's pond.

"When do you leave?"

"Next week"

Adam nods, no longer able to stare at the bright light shining in Gansey's eyes.

★

News spread about Gansey's quest around town unsurprisingly quick.

Whispers were found in every corner of the village about the awoken sleeper, hope and scepticism filled every soul. They had no doubts Gansey was capable of bringing back life to Gaia. Adam knew Gansey could command the crops to grow if he just tried a little harder.

It was just three nights later when there was an announcement that had effectively rounded up every young face in the village to the centre of town.

Gansey was tasked to recruit a capable companion who he deemed worthy in his journey. He needed someone to navigate them to Cabeswater, a place divine and unfound on maps. He needed a reader of cards, exactly what Adam was thanks to the training from the psychics at Fox way.

Adam felt a small pang of longing at the news but quickly dropped it after seeing the exact pitiful hopefulness on other young faces much more capable.

These boys were young and poor, they all wanted a piece of the glory resigned only for boys like Gansey. 

Adam watched with feigned disinterest as Gansey stood on the stage raised above everyone else, where he belonged, joking around with the audience of desperate boys as if he wasn't making history right at this moment.

Near him was a small rickety wood table draped in rich blue cloth, a luxury dye afforded only by the wealthy. The velvet material was pinned down by a strange bowl of fluid and a deck of cards, shuffled by fair hands. Behind the table was one of Blue's many aunts, Persephone, idly moving around the worn-out cards in a trance. The cloud of blonde hair that overflowed down her shoulders, as well as her strangely large unblinking eyes, made her look angelic. Adam could taste the magic in the air on his tongue and in the tips of his calloused fingers.

He swears he catches her winking straight down at him.

Gansey quickly explains what and who is required on this journey, the necessary chess pieces to return the god of creation home.

Adam politely blanked out as Gansey continued talking about tarot cards and magic, all aspects he was already familiar with seeing how Blue Sargent was his best friend. It didn't matter much to the Henrietta boy, he was just insignificant moral support.

_The magician._

Adam held his breath when Gansey announced the major arcana card, watching Persephone closely as she lifted a card slowly from the few spread before her. He felt a million eyes watch her movement. Adam curls his hands into fists until his blunt nails were drawing blood from his palms in anticipation.

It was common knowledge the youngest Gansey was a little thick-skulled at times. He wasn't an idiot per se, quite the contrary, but his charming disposition and his masochistic habit of helping every poor soul he came across made him too trusting and too easy. Adam could only pray to Gaia Gansey wouldn't make a stupid decision.

He does, regardless of Adam's muffled prayers underneath his breath.

"Adam Parrish"

Persephone smiles down at him, her feather-like voice whispered his simple commoner's name like it was worthy of such gentleness. Pride and unworthiness floods all his senses at once, numbing him completely from all the glares he receives from the other boys who were undoubtedly much more deserving of such an important task.

Gansey was beaming, glad to have his best friend along with him to return a god home, but Adam couldn't find any happiness or joy to offer his companion. Not when storms of self-doubt and insecurity were forming at an alarming rate.

The villagers parted away from the centre, disgust apparent on their faces at the announcement that the filthy unbeliever was tasked with bringing holiness back to their land.

Adam should be more grateful, he knew that, but all he could do was feel anger that his glory wouldn't be on his own terms. Fate had used him as a chess piece and Adam hated having no control over his own future.

As Gansey ushered him away excitedly, all Adam could do was glance longingly at the Gaia statue now barren of a crowd, praying he had the ability to shrivel up and disappear.

☆

His father obviously doesn't take the news of Adam's journey kindly.

He calls Adam selfish over and over again until Adam took it as truth. Ugly hands a mirror of his own ruining every clean part of Adam until it was sure Adam would be aching and sore the entire journey from Henrietta to the god's slumber place. Adam was convinced those purple marks would last the entire time. It was a payment, one large beating to make up for all the absent ones that were to come.

_Do you think you's better than us, boy_

Adam accepted it all, almost convinced this was fair. This was all he was birthed for.

And for a fleeting second, as Adam was coughing miserably weakened on the damp ground of the dingy warehouse holding back tears lest he wanted another round of fists, he wondered if it would have been less cruel if the gods had allowed him to rot here instead of where he belonged.

Then Adam would groan in misery and screw his eyes shut, holding his bruised ribs with his weaken arms close to his heaving chest. He had already suffered through this for the quest, he might as well go through with it. He had no doubts his father's anger would be way worse the moment Adam returned but Adam was determined to enjoy the privilege of fresh foreign air and months away from his godless home while he still had the chance.

At least when he returned home, he would have had the privilege of living for the first time before dying insignificantly like he was destined to.


	2. meum mortalis deus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> introducing ronan, our morosexual king

The god of creation had a name that poor mortals like Adam couldn't pronounce. The son of a dream and a dreamer, the god had the blood of Aurora, goddess of dawn and dreams, and the blood of Niall, the god of creation. He was powerful.

Gansey had requested them to meet at least once before they left town, a formal show of respect that was expected from all mortals. Adam had agreed begrudgingly, as though the curiosity of what the god's heir looked like hadn't been eating him whole for days. He's seen portraits of the first Creator, sharp and handsome with dark hair and cold eyes, it only makes sense for his heir to be a copy of his father.

Now Adam strummed with nervousness outside the Gansey manor, picking on the thread holes in his nicest tunic, anxiety coursing through him like rivers. Gansey had reassured him days ago that the god only _looked_ like danger, that his bark was louder than his bite. Gansey's gentle coaxing was welcomed but it never does manage to quell Adam's fears long enough.

The god of creation honoured honesty above anything else, the reason why fate had chosen the son of an illegal trader to protect him was beyond Adam.

Adam Parrish was not a man of faith.

He feared he would seem transparent, that the god he had sworn to serve would look at his ugly mortality unimpressed and deem him unworthy of the greatness that came with this quest. 

Despite the fact that the god had been housed at the Gansey's household for a week now, hosted in a way that would surely grant them approval from the gods, Adam would be the first visitor to ever meet him in person. He assumes Gansey had already charmed the god into becoming friends or, if the rumours were true, at least convinced the god into thinking foreign myths were true. It calms Adam down, the fact that Gansey hadn't been killed in a fit of rage despite his high strung energy.

So he knocks, gently with hesitation.

Adam hadn't expected him to be so _young_.

Adam had joked about the god to be a toddler but the reality was the god looked not much older than either Adam or Gansey although Adam wasn't really sure how age or time worked for divine beings. The god before him could be centuries old for all Adam knew but that didn't distract him from the fact that the god looked to be young and reckless.

The boy- no, the god- was laying on the lush bed, his handsome face the principle of boredom. Adam couldn't blame him, he didn't want to be there either. It was a mutual understanding then, how they both thought this meeting was a useless waste of time. Adam was mortal, he was not, there was no reason for them to make acquaintance. 

The god barely acknowledges him as Adam hovered awkwardly by the door, unsure of the etiquettes reserved for divine beings. Was this a silent invitation or a silent dismissal? The god doesn't make it any easier, continuing to ignore Adam except for the slightest raise of his sharp eyebrow.

He was handsome in the way gods were beautiful, ethereal and untouchable. A beauty that differed from Gansey's handsomeness. Gansey was boyish and soft, the god before him was nothing but cold and sharp edges. Adam was terrified, he wanted to reach out for a touch. Adam couldn't look away from how he stretched out on the bed, the thin clothing covering his modesty riding up his torso and showing a silver strip of pale skin. He was aware it was rude but this was his first encounter with a god, after all, it's only fair he was a little taken aback. It didn't matter, the god didn't seem to mind. In fact, his frowning mouth had turned into a smirk that made Adam uneasy, like he wasn't able to hide behind his unknowability. 

He looked dangerous in a way neither gods or mortals should look. That made him beautiful. A serpent which barred its fangs as a warning, no one foolish enough would dare come near it.

He looked just like his father.

Adam had seen statues and oil paintings of the original Greywaren all around town. There was no mistaking that the god that was currently glowering at him was the dreamer's son. The same strong jaw and piercing blue eyes, the absolute sense of hazard that followed them. An otherworldliness that surpassed the other gods. This was death on two legs, this was the god of selfish birth.

The son, of course, looked so much younger, his jagged corners unpolished and threatening to cut the same way wood splinters wound stab Adam's fingertips if he hasn't sanded down the surface yet. Coarse and pained. The young god's shoulders did not hold the same broadness and his irises lacked any real malice, just a glare and a lot of unspoken pain swimming in the clear lakes of his eyes. He looked like a god undefined and was stubborn to stay that way. Adam understood what it was like to resent becoming like his father.

Adam had the name of lowly mortals, _filius tarræ_ , his name was the creation of humanity. The god was still a creature made to be devoted to. They weren't as different as Adam thought they would be.

He clears his throat and announces his status as _the lord's magician_ , the god doesn't even blink at him. Adam flushes with embarrassment and anger before fleeing. 

★

  
When they were to depart, Adam was still reeling in the shame he felt from his first meeting with the god he was forced to spend a long amount of time with. If the other wanted to treat Adam like he was unworthy then Adam would treat him like a cold stranger. It was a brief foolish thought of his to think he and someone who could create life from their dreams had anything in common.

He was purposefully avoiding the hidden god in his carriage and Gansey, who no doubt wanted to interrogate him on how the meeting went. Adam has been avoiding Gansey for three days now, turning whenever he saw a glimpse of the other boy. Blue just laughed at him when she found out why he didn't want to run into Gansey. She laughed even harder until her ribs hurt when she found about the colossal failure his meeting with the god was.

The entire town was gathered around the Gaia statue once again, celebrating Gansey's departure with fresh flowers and song they couldn't afford on any other day. That was just how much they adored the youngest Gansey, Adam couldn't fault them. There was wine, which he kindly turned down, and dirty stares, which he tried to ignore. Only a handful of people wished farewell to Adam like Boyd the blacksmith, who Adam worked for, and Persephone, Blue's psychic aunt who he was the apprentice of.

Adam hid his disappointment at the absence of his parents. He had foolishly hoped this was the act that made them finally appreciate Adam and realise their only son wasn't as worthless as they had made him feel. That was a fairytale, of course, the reality was his parents were glad Adam wasn't around to be a fucking burden for once and celebrated his absence justly. The truth hurts but his fantasy was comical anyways as if Robert or Alice Parrish would take precious time out of their days to willingly see the fuck up that was their ugly accident.

But Blue was there, hanging a string hung with small shiny stones that glimmered bluntly on her index finger. It was obvious the gift had taken a lot of effort and Adam was truly touched, his cheeks heating up warmly as his heart started to go haywire. Blue smiled shyly up at him through her eyelashes as she explained every function of the precious rocks that now pressed heavy down on his collarbone.

"- and rose quartz for love, ya know, just in case" she winked at him and Adam only managed to splutter an incoherent reply, still too flustered to respond. Her accent had slipped through her words and Adam found himself missing it already, especially since he was going to spend a considerably long amount of time surrounded by asshats who felt they were above the local dialect and Adam's trashy Henriettan accent. She was the last reminder of home he had and he was going to miss her most about Henrietta.

Adam saw the god's piercing eyes narrow in his direction and chose to brush it off, no matter how obvious Adam was mooning for Blue it was still after all his own goddamn business, immortal gods be damned.

★

The boy guiding him had autumn hair and the ocean for eyes, Ronan doubts the boy has ever even seen the ocean judging by the tattered state of his clothes. Ronan doubts the boy was aware how gorgeous he really was judging by the hunch of shoulders that hid so much of his mortal perfection from view.

Ronan had only seen flashing glimpses of him, the boy never in one place long enough for Ronan to fully worship his full image. He looked like he was a broken antique covered in a thin layer of dust, witnessing horrors a person of his age should never be forced to.

Ronan watches from afar as experienced hands tie-up saddles, fingertips rough suggested hard labour. An enigma that's caught the attention of a god, Ronan can't help but daydream about knowing Adam Parrish.

It's a new thing that Ronan has carefully chosen not to examine, but simply to ignore by shoving it to one side. It can't be an issue if it doesn't exist.

He's always thought the mortal concept of _amor sempiternus_ was false, not when his only reference for love had been his father and the dream creature he had made for himself with the only purpose of loving him. He was a god, the only things he was supposed to love was his family and all of humanity. Ronan, an anomaly among gods and men, never indulged in lust and longing the same way the other divine creatures did. Aphrodite always shook her head at him with a displeased frown, he has found great pleasure in disappointing her. Artemis, however, always bumped his fists when they crossed.

This was a _new thing_. A new fragile thing that shoved ash into Ronan's mouth and made speech impossible. 

When the magician first walked into the room, it seemed all language, alive and dead, had left Ronan's head completely. He was wiped of any memory, rendered mute at the sight of a god amongst men. The boy was otherworldy, no doubt a son of Gaia, human and not at the same time. His honey blond smile and nervous charm struck Ronan like pins to his veins. He reeked from the scent of earth and ash, _human and not_. It was the same feeling as being struck by Zeus, as forehead kisses from his mother, as drinking nectar from fountains on Mount Olympus, as running around with his brothers. He wondered if this is what Hades felt when he first laid his eyes on Persephone. He wondered if Achilles had fallen for Patroclus just as quickly.

There was no doubt that the boy before him was the magician. Magic strummed all around him, blessed to be Gaia's favourite son. He looked like the garden of Eden, a new religion that demanded worship at once. Flowers would bloom at his feet if he willed so, the trees answer to his command. The Greywaren created, the Magician controlled.

Ronan tried his hardest not to stare.

Maybe the entire encounter had been a cruel joke from Aphrodite or her son, Cupid, an act of revenge against all those times he's managed to piss her off, because he was too struck to answer anything Adam had said to him and now Adam was mad at him just because Ronan can't seem to function around pretty boys.

Now Ronan was forced to watch Adam's elegant cheekbones flush a lovely shade of rose as a tiny girl pecked his jaw, pretending it didn't affect him at all.

★

Quickly, they reached their first major issue aside from their first meeting, neither spoke the other's language.

Adam had to learn this fact the hard way, unfortunately.

They were setting up for the night for the first time. The god in his regal carriage provided by Gansey's family was silent the entire ride but his presence was so loud, it put Adam on edge the entire journey as he tried to get a hang of riding a horse for the first time. Another piece of evidence that his choosing must've been a mistake.

It was just a slaughter of new and foreign experiences all at once, while not exactly unpleasant, it was overwhelmingly tiring. Even Adam, who loved challenges and making things more unnecessarily difficult than it had to be more than he loved wealth and luxury, couldn't help but feel his skin crawl at just how magnetic the god was behind his pathetic veil of a carriage curtain.

Adam Parrish was simply not bred to accept change, he was raised to crave it.

The view was certainly a welcomed change at least. The sunset that seemed to spill over the edge of the grassy horizon bled every edge surrounding them in hues of dull gold before blessing them with smudges of peaches and apricots. The night came in like spilt ink.

Adam was in awe and he was in love with the world outside of Henrietta, the dull ache begging him to run as far as possible away from the dirt-covered town had morphed into an aching throb that repeatedly stabbed him in the ribs.

What wouldn't Adam sacrifice to witness the beauty of Gaia without fear like this every living minute? He selfishly wanted to live like this, the same way Gansey did without burden, until it became normal and stopped stealing his breath away. This love he had for Gaia felt like fact, another familiar thing Adam Parrish took comfort in.

Gansey sat beside him, leaning his back against the still tightly shut carriage door and sighing, the colours of the sunset dancing across his well-bred features like a royal oil painting only found on chapel ceilings. His eyes were wide and mesmerised like glass cups found on Adam's tarot cards, empty and willing to be filled by all Gaia had to offer a boy like him. Adam felt that ugly rope of envy and bitterness knot around his neck like a noose, threatening to raise bile up his throat. He was glad Gansey, the most familiar thing Adam had right now, was here to share this sunset with him. This was the first time Adam loved something so simply without hesitance or complications.

"It's beautiful"

The sunset meant two very different things to Gansey and Adam. To Gansey, who was born with a silver spoon between his perfectly straight rows of teeth, it was just a beautiful sunset because of how it looked. To Adam, that sunset was so much more. His first sunset outside of dirt-covered Henrietta. It was change and hope but also the feeling of coming home all at once. If he hadn't already had the tears beaten out of him, Adam swore he would've cried.

It was the way Gansey had said it though, gently in a small whisper, that made Adam forgive him instantly. Despite witnessing a million sunsets outside of Henrietta much more mesmerising than the one Adam had fallen in love with, he treated this one like it was fragile and easily damaged. He had treated it like it was special so quickly. A king giving his respect to something so simple.

They sat in silence, understand each other so well without having to exchange a single word. The world and time changing and leaving without them. Gansey looked like a god then, timeless and old. But he also looked like an aimless boy and a tired son trying to bend over backwards to please everyone in his own oblivious way at the same time. Adam thinks he might no longer love Gansey with reluctance or walls.

The spell, however, was broken by a someone clearing their throat loudly above them, causing Gansey to yelp loudly and Adam to furrow his eyebrows in confusion.

He peered up to piercing blue eyes that held obvious amusement despite the lips belonging to the same god was twisted in an angsty frown.

Adam's face flushed red when he realises this was the first time the god had made a move to acknowledge their existence after remaining silent broody for hours behind the thin wall made from flimsy fabric.

He assumed the first time being acknowledged by a god must feel divine. If anything, Adam felt embarrassed and a little agitated, like a child being caught doing something wrong.

Adam's cheeks only heated up warmer when he realised what it must look like between him and Gansey and their little intimate moment. The sunset had left, bringing its magic away with it. Instead, in its place was the moon which cast silver light onto the god's sharp cheekbones. Adam couldn't decide whether he wanted to burn his eyes out or never look away.

" _It's now what it looks like!_ " Adam shouted defensively, only earning an infuriating raised eyebrow from the god. Whatever that was between him and Gansey was nothing to be ashamed of. He knew it was platonic, he hoped Gansey knew it was platonic. There was nothing to defend except the truth.

But Adam was raised under a faithless roof and was never taught what the gods found acceptable and blasphemous in the rules of relationships and romance. He wonders if boys like Adam, who liked to stare at both Blue and sometimes Gansey, were allowed to exist. Perhaps it was just another broken and wrong thing about him. Proof he was as ugly as his father had raised him to believe. Adam really didn't want to offend a fucking god with the wrongness of him. He wasn't ready to shed the neutral disguise he had crafted and highlight his sins just yet, or preferably ever, thank you very much.

Adam hated when people made assumptions off him based on silver glimpses like his wealth or the welts on his skin. He hated when people pretended he was so easily knowable when they don't even make an effort to try. Adam Parrish was unknowable, even to gods who held an effortless smugness to them.

Gansey thankfully caught on and scrambled away from Adam in equal embarrassment, face on fire like embers.

In his defensiveness, the god didn't seem to acknowledge him or his words at all. Instead, he only tilted his head in what silent confusion, amused smirk still planted on his lips that made Adam's toes curl uncomfortably in his shoes.

That's when it hits him.

They spoke different tongues.

The god spoke pure latin, a dead language only spoken by the rich and divine, those at the highest points of society. Adam's mother tongue was the language of Henrietta, a poor man's broken latin laced with improper grammar structures, slang and far too many swears to be uttered around an actual _god_. The two dialects were similar enough but the way Adam stumbled over his pronunciation and accent made a blush creep up his neck. It showed too much his lack of wealth, how illiterate he was because he couldn't afford an education.

Adam should've suspected it sooner.

At first, Adam had assumed the god was ignoring him because Adam was mortal and bland, not mortal and regal like Gansey was. Not worth a second glance or an answer from someone as divine as an actual god. Adam had accepted at a very early age he was forgettable and worthless, integrated into his self-hatred by his own two parents. So it wasn't very hard to accept that he just wasn't worthy for the attention of a god when he wasn't even worthy of Gansey's attention.

But it dawned on Adam now that Ronan obviously didn't know local Henrietta latin and Adam was never educated on proper latin either, they were communicating on a thin wire that neither of them knew how to cross.

Now his blush crept up to the tips of his ears, probably making Adam look like an even bigger idiot in front of the god. How quickly had he gone straight to self-hatred before considering other factors.

"Gansey, I don't think he speaks Henriettan" Adam whispered not all that subtly, testing if his theory was right. Considering the fact that the god barely reacted to Adam speaking, he supposes he's correct.

Gansey's face was screwed up in consideration, lips tugged downwards with his boyish eyebrows knitted together in consideration, his stupid thinking face Adam liked to make fun of him for with Blue.

"Huh, guess you're right," Gansey made a stupid 'hmmm' sound that made Adam want to shove him, so he does. Gansey shakes his head, clearly unaffected by Adam's actions as he spoke once again, this time is a language Adam could barely understand, " _hic vigilans somniat_ " - _**he**_ ** _sleeps awake_**.

This time the god seems to react much more than when Adam was speaking his ugly mother tongue, scowling at Gansey with a piss glare that seemed to be a caricature of a temper tantrum.

Then the god catches himself reacting and accidentally ruining his passive-aggressive image, gives Gansey one final sneer before retreating back into the carriage and placing that thin fabric wall between them again.

Both Adam and Gansey stare at the curtain like it's personally offended them. Adam still in a daze from questions swirling in his messy head, Gansey trying to figure out why the verse he quoted had offended the god so much. Adam snorted at the realisation Gansey had managed to piss off the god before Adam had the chance to do it first.

Gansey turns to him and shrugs easily. Adam nods in agreement.

★

After the unfortunate Adam-Gansey-and the homoerotic sunset incident and the much gentler names stepping stone, they continued not speaking. 

Hell, they didn't even interact at all, simply orbiting around each other in separate solar systems which so happened to be close by to one another. The god didn't seem to be the talkative type, either because he was a god or because he was a god who felt like he was above mortals like Adam and Gansey. Whatever the case was, Adam wasn't too bothered by it, perfectly content of having the silence hang without awkward chatter or small talk.

The only sound that filled the space were the grunts of protests coming from the horses and Gansey blabbering on and on about niche topics neither Ronan and Adam had any interests in. Adam would nod or sigh in acknowledgement that he was listening to his best friend. The god remained completely mute except for the occasional grunt or judgemental snorts of amusement whenever Gansey said something particularly stupid on accident. But Gansey had an effect on people, the ability to either charm them or annoy them to death, either were possible depending on how awake you were when talking. Gansey spoke in a broken mix of local Henriettan without the accent and fluent latin, trying his hardest to include both Adam and the Greywaren into the conversation. That made both boys unreasonably fond of the puppy-like noble yet equally annoyed at how much he talked.

"Does he ever shut the fuck up?" the god had mouthed in broken latin when Gansey had left them to ask around a small town for directions.

That was the first time the god ever spoke directly to him.

The latin he spoke was fractured, nothing like the language of Henrietta but much closer and easier to understand than the regal pure latin that made Adam feel worthless and stupid, a constant reminder that he was his father's son. The fact that a god was swearing caught Adam off guard but after a quick glance at the god, all sharp edges and angry glare, Adam wasn't really surprised that he possessed a filthy mouth and a dirtier vocabulary.

Adam rolled his eyes but the smile on his lips betrayed how he really felt. It wasn't exactly a secret that Adam Parrish was incredibly fond of his best friend but Gansey didn't ever run out of things to comment about, from casual observations to encompassing life obsessions.

"If you think that's bad, you should try listening to him talk about missing dead kings, he's in love with Owen Glendower," Adam muttered tiredly as he ran his fingers through his already mussed up hair in his equally broken latin, still bitter about the time he had stayed up all night listening to Gansey rave about Glendower just because Gansey's enthusiasm had that effect on even the most unwilling of people.

"So he's turned on by corpses," the other boy grunted, the corners of his mouth tugging upwards begrudgingly, "Good to know my knights in shining armour are both freaks"

"You _wish_ you had a chance with this freak"

The response earns a sudden sharp bark of laughter from the Greywaren, surprising Adam and making him defensive before he realised the other boy wasn't laughing to mock Adam. The sound was actually really pleasant once you got over the initial shock and Adam's cheeks darken rose. They smiled loosely, barely, at each other before Gansey returned looking confused as to why the two haven't murdered each other behind his back yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic is so messy but it's my first trc fic and my first fanfic in a long ass time so oop


	3. exsomnis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sleep is not merciful for either boy, it's alright though, they manage it just fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short hurt/comfort chapter because i have no self control (currently unedited)

His attitude towards Ronan was cavalier at best, downright irritated at most. It was a different but welcomed change from the usual awe and lust that possessed mortals when gods were around.

Ronan had the urge to sink his canines into Adam's mortal flesh despite knowing it would be poison.

Adam held no regard for Ronan. Not necessarily a disbeliever but the local boy wasn't exactly devoted to the gods, not in the same way as the rest of the mortals who begged to kiss Ronan's heels did. Respectful but Adam barely put in the effort to pretend it wasn't all false politeness. Adam was the most informal mortal he has encountered in a very long time and Ronan can't help but unwind his defences and let his tongue loose.

It was an earthly comfort, their quickly formed camaraderie, an equal balance between two boys.

They weren't friends exactly, not yet. Ronan hasn't offered Adam the name his mother had gifted him with yet. But they had a mutual understanding of each other, gone with the tense air of ignoring each other's existence like the first few days.

" _Ad_ _omnem_ _libidinem_ _projectus_ _homo_ " Ronan could hear his father scold in warning, his emotionless voice as empty dead as it had been during life - **_a man addicted to every lust_** _._

But Ronan wasn't a man, at least not in the same way Adam was a man; real and alive, born from two sentient parents. He was not made to lust and yet he still could not tear his gaze from the trader's son's hollow neck. He wonders if Adam was capable of lust, he very dangerously wonders if Adam held any lust towards him as mortals tend to. The thought makes him flush in shame, another emotion he wasn't born with but learned quickly thanks to the local boy that made his skin warm.

Ronan felt like he was suffocating on Aphrodisiac, the sugary sweet fragrance polluting his lungs and making it hard to breathe.

"A dreamer who couldn't even dream," Adam spat, blissfully unaware Ronan understood every insult he threw haphazardly. Gansey visibly choked on air at the rudeness of Adam's words but Ronan couldn't fight the small grin forming on his lips. Adam didn't have much a polite filter when he assumed no one could hear him, it made him gain Ronan's respect instantly. He had always honoured bluntness over ass kissing anyways. Reverence for a boy more deserving of worship than he was.

★

It would be a while more before they could seek shelter, setting up camp along the way to the next town over. Adam, who was already accustomed to sleeping on uncomfortable surfaces, slept bare on the grass while Gansey had a thin tent. It wasn't desirable but it could be worse, at least it hadn't rain yet. But the good weather couldn't be taken advantaged of forever.

His shoulders were starting to dully ache, the physical labour he had to suffer through had never lasted as long as the trek they were currently on. Gansey huffed for the umpteenth time as he shifted his satchel across his chest. The god was unsurprisingly silent.

They were in the mountain range now, the air thin and cool allowed Adam to enjoy a break from the harsh Henrietta heat. The sight of white rocks was jarring against the skyline. Across the horizon was a vast emptiness, devoid of any civilisations and promising many more tiring miles of land. Adam was undoubtedly exhausted.

"We should take a break"

That was Gansey's suggestion even if the other boy had barely broken a sweat, it almost felt like an offer to Adam who was usually too stubborn to suggest a break himself. Adam had two options then, get pissed off at Gansey or enjoy some time to walk off the cramps building up in his calves.

Adam wordlessly shucked off the bag pulling him down and laid in the mountain dew grass in contentment.

He swears he hears Gansey sigh in relief at his quick surrender.

The rest feels long-awaited, not since before their journey but since Adam's birth. The mountain breeze kisses and bites at his cheekbones and wildflowers brush against his fingertips as the cool grass welcomes him home after many miserable years sleeping on the dingy inn's splintered floor. A homecoming warm and beaconing, inevitable like the earth was finally reuniting with Adam. Adam isn't sure when was the last time he _wasn't_ tired, the fear leaking out of him as his shoulders lost their tension. There was no one to hurt him here, miles away from Henrietta, safe in the meadows of Gaia. A sigh escaped his lips as blades of evergreen grass continued to brush against his eyelids, a mother's loving caress.

★

Adam must have drifted off because the next moment his eyes fluttered open, he found the god sitting next to Gansey, staring off the cliff's edge while resting his weight on his palms.

The water underneath the soil tugs at Adam's palms, demanding his attention to look underneath its surface. There are secrets the earth wants to show him. Adam ignores the energy coursing through his hands and his eyes, too preoccupied on the way the Greywaren tilts his head up to receive sunlight.

They're talking in an almost friendly way, Gansey's voice looser than the formal way he spoke around other nobles. The god still spoke crass words that Adam couldn't understand. He should feel left out but Adam found that he didn't care much to be involved in whatever fond bickering they were doing right now. Studying the god and paying attention to what he was saying at the same time would take too much effort. Maybe they were talking about their living quarters for the next few weeks, or maybe it was about Cabeswater, Adam wouldn't be surprised if Gansey had managed to bring up Glendower again.

The grass was singing his name again, the wind played melodies as Adam observed silently from a distance the damaged god with a reputation for hellfire. He looked very much like the serpent Calla claimed he would but he was definitely a different breed from the ones that struck without warning. The water underneath the soil flashed images in his head without his permission, the earth finally growing impatient of his nonchalance towards their call. Behind his eyelids, he saw a much younger Greywaren with curls for hair and a smile quirked his lips. It felt invasive and wrong, too intimate for Adam to see without permission. Adam blinked, the image was on fire now, leaving the imprint of the Greywaren he saw now, damaged and weathered down like a soldier who bred war. It was giving him a migraine, too see the quick flash from a peaceful image to one that made Adam gag in horror. The scent of sulphur and oil made its presence known, battling against the sweet aroma of honey and wildflowers. Adam fought it off, begging Gaia to envelop him once more. 

Death, Adam knew that was the card he would draw right now if he tried, and for once it would be Death for something in the past, not for the future. The Greywaren, secluded and shrouded in mystery always carried Death wherever he went.

Gaia kissed him by making leaves fly past him, brushing his cheek as they flew. He thanked her silently, grabbing fistfuls of grass in a weak attempt to ground himself. He couldn't understand why the earth was showing him something so horrible with so much persistence, it made anxiety clog up his throat.

The boys before him had stopped talking, giving Adam a concerned look which only managed to make Adam flush in shame. Guilt at reading Ronan without consent made him cower. It was not his fault, he knew that. Persephone had told him he was the most stubborn boy in all of Henrietta but nature could be worse. Gaia had wrath that even Ares feared and she would always get her way. Gaia wanted him to know something, he wanted to live in his ignorance.

The Greywaren's piercing gaze made Adam's skin crawl and Adam shook his head, signalling he was fine. The two boys turned away hesitantly, the god's look had lingered just a second longer than Gansey.

Gaia, who seemed to realise her mistake, apologised by playing a melody with a wind, wrapping her vines around his torso in what would seem like a hug. Adam sighed and felt tension run out of his system like water streams, accepting her compromise. Gaia granted him slumber once more. He slept twice in one evening for the first time, trying not to dream about death and fire.

★

They set up camp at the mountain edge that night since by the time Adam had decided to stir from sleep, the sun had long set.

Ronan tried to ignore the way how Adam looked so much younger when his blue eyes weren't so heavily lined with deep purple bags. The dusty quality to his sunken face polished off. The magician had stifled awake with a small yawn, Ronan was sure of it even if there was a canvas blocking his view of Adam's undoubtedly tousled hair. The fabric wasn't enough to block out the sound of Adam's breathing when he slept, Ronan forced to listen to the nearby rhythm when insomnia forced him awake.

Sleep did not bless him easily, not anymore, not since that night.

It was ironic how the god of dreams could not sleep. Ronan couldn't even laugh bitterly at his own self-loathing. His night terrors got more and more ruthless as the evenings went on, tormenting everything he did both asleep and awake. Dreaming, let alone dreaming to create, was an impossibility again.

There was no Greywaren because there was no dreamer.

Every time he closed his eyes all he could see behind the thin skin of his eyelids was the image of father's bashed in skull and charred black body. The scent of oil and sulfur still clung to Ronan' even after he destroyed the clothes he was wearing that day and shaved off all his curls that had trapped the smoke. Who knew it would be so easy to kill a god.

And the worst part was that his father had been killed over some petty immortal disagreement. A misunderstanding of trade.

That was why Ronan hated divine beings, preferred to isolate himself from other gods, even his own brothers. Gods did not possess the same sense of morals that mortals did, they did not believe in consequences to their actions. The bastard had left the Lynches orphaned over some stupid feud on territory.

Ronan didn't often let himself think about his father or the life once had before that night. He definitely erases all memories of that night itself out of his head, the images still too vivid.

Everything he had once loved was up in flames now, only the dark ash and scent of burnt flesh remained.

Ronan needed an escape, his skin was getting too hard to breathe in. He was restless and in pain. There wasn't much destruction to take part in here, isolated from the cardinal sins that humanity had invented. There were no gods of death he could run around with, no gods of chaos he could use to numb his suffering just for one night.

No all there was was a huge load of nothingness stretching all around him and two boys he couldn't bear to accidentally damage in his pursue of self-destruction.

The mountains, they were too peaceful, too quiet and Ronan was forced into silent grievance, fettered and caged with no release.

So he storms out, the itch underneath his skin becoming unbearable. He didn't have a plan, nowhere to go, nothing to do. All he knew was that he needed to _move_. The nightmare creatures weren't chasing him tonight, not if he could help it. He wouldn't sleep, wouldn't allow the malevolence that festered in his head any escape. His own mourning was enough torture.

He doubts Gansey packed any wine with him, he _knew_ Adam wasn't the kind to indulge in mortal hedonism. There was nothing to numb Ronan out here except himself.

Ronan ran until his thighs ache, in circles so he wouldn't stray too far from the campsite. Parrish was still awake, no doubt on his way to check on Ronan and see the hurricane the young god really was. The thought only made him angrier, that Adam would see him like this in his purest form. A god of destruction when he could not create.

He was doing so well too, nights of suffering his insomnia gone to waste just because the divine blood in his veins couldn't behave.

There are trees nearby, the clearing making way for a forest that didn't call for him the same way Cabeswater did. Ronan clutches his hands into fists, kissing rough bark with his knuckles until the skin splintered and bled at the point of contact.

His body was thrumming with energy, everything around him barren as Gaia slept, without his father around to dream there was nothing left. The world was empty and so was Ronan. His fists stung and his muscles ached, a canopy of pain enveloping him as the sky slowly slithered into the dark. The mountain wind stung his cheekbones and his eyes were begging for thunderstorms. Ronan refused to let it all fall, forcing a drought wherever he went.

"Do you ever sleep?"

Adam whispered tentatively behind him, subdued and soft. It was like he was stalking towards a rapid dog, Ronan didn't trust himself not to snarl at the other boy's calming presence.

The earth sang with him as Adam moved closer, each step careful as his toes dug into the grass and damp soil. A fairytale, he looked like a woodland sprite with his windswept hair and clever eyes. Ronan didn't want comfort right now, not in the form of Gaia's son at least. He wanted his father and he wanted his mother and he wanted his brothers and he wanted to dream again. He wanted to learn how to hate his father, he wanted to continue ignoring his brothers he wanted to watch the whole world burn until it became the cruel reflection of the sorrow he was feeling.

But it's not what he needed.

Adam was beside him now, pretty hands gently grabbing his bleeding wrists away from the poor tree. Guilt simmered in Ronan's lungs, no doubt damaging the forests was hurting the magician too.

"You're hurting her"

The _you're hurting me_ went unsaid.

The pad of Adam's thumb brushed over the split open skin on Ronan's knuckles and he hissed pathetically. The fingertips were rough with hard work but cooling like mist water. Adam grimaced in apology, dropping Ronan's hands away from his chest.

Ronan watched as small wildflowers grew between gaps of dark blood and golden ichor. The stems sewing Ronan's skin closed again. The magician was a healer, Ronan wonders if it was only physical wounds Adam was capable of soothing.

He wishes his mother was here to kiss the wounds for him, he wishes Adam would do so too.

"Careful, the earth is already damaged enough" Adam scolded softly, stern in a fond way. His hands brushed against the tree bark now stained by Ronan's divine blood, fixing the dents created by rage and mourning. Light specks of gold surround them, illuminated by the dark backdrop of night time.

Ronan doesn't tell Adam that his blood would heal the tree anyways, mesmerized by how Adam commanded the earth to grow back again. An enigma of a boy who fixed the earth like his own wounds.

"Why aren't you asleep?"

"Why aren't _you_ asleep?" Ronan accused in retaliation.

Adam shrugged before slumping down on the base of the tree's thick roots, wrapping blades of grass between his fingers. Ronan slid down beside him, fingertips absentmindedly tracing the already healed raised skin on his hands.

"Can't sleep"

Ronan nodded in agreement, another common ground that made them equals.

Sometimes it was hard to distinguish what made them so similar. Maybe Ronan was more human than god. Or maybe Adam was just more god than human. It was a balance that Ronan found temporary comfort in, the only thing in his life that wasn't on fire yet.

Adam doesn't mention why he can't sleep, Ronan doesn't push for an answer. It was a mutual agreement in the language of secrets.

But Ronan could see Adam's exhaustion. He was always tired, either from the hard life he suffered through or the fact that the earth was rotting him inside out. No doubt the miracles he performed would drain him, Ronan felt himself fluster at the fact that Adam had sacrificed his minimal energy to heal him even when he didn't actually require it. In an act of kindness, Ronan shifted closer to the dozing boy, sharing his heat. Gratitude without words.

"Maybe," he tried to gather the scraps of courage that always seemed to evaporate when Adam was around, "We should try to catch some rest, tomorrow will be a long journey"

It was Adam's turn to nod in agreement, stifling a stubborn yawn as he pressed his side closely to Ronan. Just one small shift and his head would sleep on Ronan's shoulder, just one small shift and Ronan's jaw would rest on the mop of his hair.

Intimate and dangerous, exactly what Ronan had been craving for since the beginning of their adventure.

Ronan sighed, already feeling Adam's heart rate slow down, allowing himself to be lulled to sleepless slumber by the ethereal melody of Adam's shallow breathing.


	4. puer silva

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it was the envy of gods that had started wars, and it was envy that the Greywaren, keeper of many secrets, was struggling with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new title, hell yeah !!
> 
> updates are gonna be slower since i have exams coming up so take this one as an offering, currently unedited

Gansey finds them the next morning slumped against each other a walk away from the campsite, looking apprehensive the way only Gansey could get away with.

He looked like a mess, dishevelled with worry over losing his best friend and _an actual god_. His eyebrows were knitted in a permanent furrow as he continuously tugged on his bottom lip out of habit.

The Greywaren stirred beside him, burying his head further into Adam's side to ignore Gansey's panic-induced nagging. Adam blushed bright red with every warm breath exhaled directly on his skin, the thin shirt he fell asleep in doing nothing to block the warm huffs that danced on his torso.

Every area their skin brushed casually set Adam on fire, a sweet stirring in his abdomen that made his throat dry. He could only thank Gaia that Gansey was born so oblivious, fearing what the other boy might say if he realised his two companions had been _snuggling_ together.

Gansey halted his scolding when the god groaned loudly in protest, throwing small stones at him. The Greywaren untangled himself from Adam and Adam huffed in both relief and disappointment. He doesn't remember the last time he was touched so casually, without any intentions to harm. The absence of the other boy's chest pressed to his side felt cold and Adam craved hellfire again, no matter how destructive.

"Are you done, Dick?"

Gansey sighed in defeat as he nervously ran his fingers through his hair, knowing that neither boy had heard a word he said or particularly cared about his warnings.

Adam offered the panicking boy a guilty smile while the Greywaren looked completely unapologetic for his actions.

Gansey sighed again in surrender and walked away from the strange creature made of a mismatch of limbs weaved together that laid on the forest tree's bark. Adam refused to make things awkward by acknowledging last night if the Greywaren wasn't put off by it. It was his own strange feelings, new and tender, that ruined the nonchalant friendship they had formed. So Adam would swallow whatever hurricane that was building in the chambers of his heart and ignore the beaconing of spring that was the god's touch.

He was mortal, the Greywaren was not. The other equation of the creature seemed at ease with the casualness of their contact. Adam would not be the one to ruin the first few good things in his life so far.

★

The Greywaren, was in fact, not at all at ease.

He had spent the entire night pressed into the crook of Adam Parrish's neck, an experience that burned him from inside out like a witch on trial.

The other boy was thin and boney, Ronan could feel his sharp ribs digging into Ronan's chest as they rested together. And he was cold, his skin a cool balm like night rivers and waterfalls, an endless drop into something unknown and dangerous. Adam's sea tides crashed into his chest until the skin there was raw and red. Ronan swallowed down the frustrated groan that was threatening to leave his lips.

There was a difference between thinking Adam was handsome and getting attached to how Adam felt with his head laid on Ronan's shoulder.

They were back on the roads again as Ronan tried to collect himself into a coherent being again, after Adam's clever fingers had unwoven him into a mind numb fool.

He tried not to stare as Adam combed through his messy bed hair, little auburn tidal waves sticking upwards like young plant shoots growing towards the sun. It looked soft and Ronan was in pain as Adam twisted his light tendrils around his fingers repeatedly as they walked on.

They needed to leave the mountain range before the cold got to them. Ronan never liked the cold much, the intensity of winter's cruelty was based on time and not on temperature. All frost was barrable at first, winter killed slowly with time.

 _Good_ , Ronan thought, _the further the fuck away from Henrietta the better._

He's always preferred summertime anyways.

Adam was all the seasons at once, summer heat when he smiled, sweat dripping down his temples and down the collar of his thin tunic. And he was spring too, with the way the earth bent to his every will and flowers bloomed when he walked past. His hair was autumn in shades of dusty browns, reds and hay blonde, comforting and warm like the fireplaces that lit up as October passed. And he could be winter as well, cold and beautiful, mild on some days but dangerous and deadly when he wanted to be.

Truly the favoured son of Gaia.

It was everything he did that made him feel less mortal. Other than the obvious, _he can bend nature to his will_ , there was something about him that brought life to every place he went. He was made of rot and decomposition so that everything else on Gaia could flourish, a selfless god that gave and never wanted in return. Angelic, the sun reacted to him and blessed every point he stood. An enigma, less human than he thought.

But Ronan had spent his entire life around immortal beings, it was Adam's humanity that tempted the god into feeling shame with every glance he stole.

How Adam liked to tuck strands of his hair behind his ears along with stems of lavender. How he hummed unconsciously under his breath. How he rubbed his arms whenever a mild breeze rolled by.

Gods did not possess these little quirks to be discovered, Adam was a puzzle that Ronan loved to unmask. A walking mystery made of bones and ichor.

There was just one habit that Adam possessed that irritated Ronan with a passion.

They were walking in relative silence with Gansey making the occasional passing comment about the scenery. They would approach their next rest site soon, a meadow not far from a small creek.

Ronan glared at the way Adam gently touched the strung gems underneath his thin shirt, a soft smile barely tugging at the corners of his pretty lips fondly. The god didn't understand why Adam, _oh so ethereal Adam_ , was taken so much by a bunch of jagged rocks when Ronan could dream him precious stones aeons prettier.

Ronan also didn't understand why he cared so much in the first place anyway, it was just Adam Parrish, another mortal who so happened to have a nice mouth.

Ronan doesn't admit it but he sulks a lot during the journey whenever Adam reminds him of Blue's existence. It was not his place to harbour these feelings. Adam was not indebted to him, he was free to like whoever the fuck he wanted.

But the problem was Ronan _wanted_ as well, so much until it hurt. Envy was a hideous thing and Ronan refused to give in to the green-eyed monster. Envy had started wars, mortal kings who lusted after other men's wives killed entire villages in the name of jealousy. It was the only human poison gods were not immune to, Ronan has seen first hand how envy could possess divine beings into mass slaughter. Beauty is terror and love is a violence Ronan refused to submit to. Aphrodite was the most dangerous god among them, only fools did not realise this. The truth was, Ronan would start wars for Adam, he just would never do it in the name of envy.

He had no place in Adam's life. Especially when the quest was over and Ronan would sleep for eternity as Adam slowly forgot about him, content and wed to somebody else.

Ronan could not risk romance, not when he was dying a noncommittal death anyways.

And it's not like it was planned anyway. Developing something for one of his travel companions was something Ronan chastised himself for doing. His life would have been so much easier if he had stuck to the original plan. Walk to the ends of Gaia and sleep, simple and direct. Now he had a major issue with his heart who didn't seem to know how to behave around pretty boys.

Adam was a parasite and Ronan wanted to crush him.

That line of thought unfortunately quickly changes to Adam crushing Ronan instead with his nice strong hands and solid thighs and Ronan would curse his traitorous head, refusing to look Adam in the eyes for hours.

★

" _Ea pulchellus est_ " - _**she is pretty,**_ Ronan remarked offhandedly as he gestured vaguely to Adam's collarbone.

The other boy only gave him a confused look before he pieces together what Ronan's talking about in his smart pretty head. His cheeks turn rosy in reply and he smiles a little shyly before longingly grazing the necklace around his throat tenderly. Ronan's heart twists at Adam's reaction to Blue, hating that he basically did this to himself.

Of course, Adam isn't over Blue.

"Yeah she really is," Adam's grinning fondly and Ronan finds it hard to feel any sort of jealousy or anger at the small girl he's only met once, not if her memory could provoke such softness from Parrish.

Ronan could only grunt reply, unable to make his voice work, equal parts from his self-loathing and his enchantment with Adam's happiness.

It was mid-day when they reached the creek, a vast forested area that made Adam look at home. He looked like he belonged here, surrounded by evergreen leaves and vines crawling up his ankles, the trickling of water drop down from smooth rocks back into the mouth of the creek a melody for Ronan's distress.

Gansey was the one who suggested they took a quick swim. It was now, with Adam looming over him bathed in Apollo's sun rays and washed in shades of pale turquoise from the water's reflection, that Ronan cursed Gansey and his good-natured suggestions. Ronan also thanked Gansey as he studied the way Adam's lean muscle would shift under his scarred flesh, the rolls of his shoulders and solid forearms unobstructed by any shirt. Ronan tried his hardest to stray his eyes away from Adam's dusty pink chest. He fails, swallowing down his spit as his gaze trailed a path of warm freckles scattered all over tan skin.

Adam takes a tentative seat on the grass and Ronan takes that as a silent invitation to invade his personal space, sitting close enough for their thighs and knees to brush, close enough to coax Ronan's insatiable craving to be beside Adam forever to tone it down. Ronan was greedy and he drank up any contact with Adam like it was ambrosia. He had gotten addicted to Adam's touch since that first night when they intertwined themselves against the tree. Adam's heat was much more unbearable when Ronan didn't have the protection of clothing to hide Adam's skin. Now Ronan could feel every brush clearly, his head swarmed with _want_. Adam was killing him softly and he didn't even know it.

Adam relaxed instantly by his side, an action Ronan considers a victory, especially considering how rigid and distant Adam was when they first met. So hesitant and calculative, Ronan was obsessed with making Adam's walls crumble to fine dust.

Blue could never make him feel this way, Ronan thought shamefully to himself, guilt stirring deep within him when he watched the way Adam clasp a quick squeeze to the rose quartz pressed to the ridge of his collar bone. The dull pink crystal shone from his chest, a reminder that Adam was untouchable.

"I've known her since we were kids, she was my first friend"

"Nostalgia looks good on you"

And it did, Adam looked like he was made to hold memories and make new ones. He looked like an old faded portrait, the ghost of hazy memories of humid summers sunsets and worn down barn houses. He was made of secrets and histories, hidden underneath layers of softly blended oil paints smeared together. They weren't always pleasant memories, Ronan could tell, but Adam never allowed that to dilute the rich hues of his image. If Gansey's looked ageless, then Adam looked timeless, belonging to every point of time and none at the same time. He felt like he existed _too much_ and _not at all_. Just like dreams.

"She's all I want to remember of Henrietta," he whispered so earnestly it stung and added as an afterthought, "maybe Gansey too"

Ronan nodded, trying not to let the jealousy plaguing his veins to show on his carefully uncaring features. He wanted Adam to speak of him so fondly, the same way he said Blue's name like a magic spell, like it was special. Perhaps it was also Ronan's own fault for torturing himself this way, after all, it was him who still hadn't gifted Adam with his mortal name.

The birds sang and Ronan was content to listen to Adam's soft voice even if it killed him. They sat with their feet swallowed up by cool water until their skin pruned to mild uncomfortableness, soaking up sunlight to their faces.

Adam ducked his head shyly, the blush on the bridge of his nose only seems to grow stronger as he asked Ronan a question softly, "Do you have your own Blue?"

It took a moment for Ronan to understand what Adam was asking, his face heating up as he nodded hesitantly. This was a confession, Ronan laying his heart bare for Adam to prod and dissect as he wished. Ronan did not lie but he wasn't ready to admit the truth either. Adam waited patiently, humming as he drew sigils on the water's surface with his toe. Ronan swallowed at stared at the flecks of golden light that rested on Adam's cheekbones and cast shadows from his eyelashes. His lips were chapped and the corner of his eyes was worn from his constant frowning. Freckles more prominent the longer they spent in the sun, Ronan retrained himself from brushing his thumb over Adam's jawline.

"He is like sunlight"

Then Adam gave Ronan another look that betrayed his surprise, his boyish eyebrows knitted together in curiosity even if his lips were quirked in an easy smile. Ronan's words surprised himself, unbelieving he had so willingly exposed such a tender secret so quickly. But Adam always made things difficult for him.

He was not anxious if Adam found him strange for liking boys. He was a god, unquestioned by mortals for his preference in companions. All the gods lusted for men and women alike, divine and not. Ronan was a strange case. He did not lust for both male and female mortals. His heart only sped up for one boy in particular.

Adam recovered quickly, picking up his humming again as he watched ripples from underneath them. Ronan wasn't familiar with divination but he swore Adam was almost scrying, in a trance as he was mesmerised by the lake. Ronan could only hope that if Adam was scrying right then, he wasn't scrying to see the truth behind Ronan's confession.

"I didn't think you were capable of making anyone endure your annoying ass"

"Says you, shithead"

"I don't know what you're talking about, I can't stand you"

If Ronan hadn't known any better, he would almost say Adam was flirting in that brash way of his Ronan liked so much. The fondness in his insults was a welcomed change, addictive and mildly dangerous. He seemed to have snapped out of his brief possession, the earth retreating from her mortal son and allowing him his humanity again.

Ronan swallowed his nervousness, unconsciously leaning closer to Adam. He was killing himself with his curiosity, a self-torture that could only come from practice. He was fluent in the language of self-destruction.

"Will you both wed when you return? You and Blue?"

"She is not mine"

"Why not"

"She is dangerous," Adam whispered as he mindlessly threw stones into the water. Ronan looks up to see Adam staring at him when he says it.

They sat in silence, the air between them heavy and charged with electricity. This was dangerous, a new vice Ronan could indulge into the point of destruction. Adam was soft, sorrow and something tentative lacing his words as he dipped his feet into the cool water and kicked up water droplets like rain. There was hesitance in what Adam said next, like he knew exactly what Ronan was _not_ saying.

"And what about you and sunlight boy? Will you both wed?"

"He is not mine either"

"Boys have always been less complicated than girls" Adam sighed, laying his hand between them. Ronan feels on fire when his calloused fingertips brush against his own, the skin of contact like an olive branch. It was an offering Ronan was too much of a coward to take. Just a brush more and Adam's head would be resting on his shoulder like that night all over again. Ronan was doomed from the start.

"And how would you know that, Parrish?" Ronan challenged, holding his breath waiting for Adam's reply.

They were dancing around each other, sidestepping shards of broken glass that could damage them both. But the thing about addiction was that it always seemed worth it in the moment, the consequences never matched up with the euphoria that came before it. Ronan would bleed dry before he stopped himself in his mindless hedonistic pursuit for Adam Parrish's attention.

Adam smiled shyly at him, his eyes flickering down to Ronan licking his lips, before flicking water at the god from the surface of the lake.

"I have experience"

★

"Do you have a mortal name?"

They were drying up, helping Gansey's properly set up camp after ignoring him to waste time together on their own. Adam felt a pang of slight guilt for not helping Gansey gather information about the nearest home inn but he wouldn't have exchanged the charged evening with the Greywaren for anything in the world. It was an afternoon of secrets and Adam bit his lip to hold back a pleased grin just thinking about it.

"No"

The god said flatly as he lifted up the canvas above the poles with a grunt, Adam allowed himself to stare at how his arms stretched above his head and the sweat ran down his neck while the Greywaren was still distracted. It was a strange sight to see a god doing physical labour, strong and powerful.

Adam helped tie the knots at the end, the brief thanks the Greywaren gave him made him preen, glad to be helpful and praised.

"I can't just keep calling you the dark lord in my head"

"You could just call me dark lord in bed instead"

Adam gave him an unamused look.

"Names have power, runt, didn't your parents teach you that?"

Adam's parents had not in fact, taught him that.

At the reminder of his parents, Adam had shut down. They were so far away from Henrietta that Adam had forgotten he was birthed at all. Here, a million miles away from the dingy warehouse he lived in and the threat of being beaten to nothing, Adam had almost forgotten that he was a damaged little thing.

The vines around him grew, slithering up his ankles and wrapping around his bones. Flowers formed in between his fingers as he clenched his fists painfully, his fingernails dug crimson moons into the flesh of his palms and little catmints grew where his skin broke. He was building a cage around himself and Gaia was comforting him in the only way she knew how.

Adam shrivelled up in himself like he often found himself doing around the other village boys, angry at himself for being so wounded so easily. Gansey stepped in between them, sensing Adam's discomfort, the other boy had been eavesdropping it seemed. It felt too much pity for Adam to appreciate it, hollowing himself and leaving behind his empty shell of a body as he tried to escape into the wind.

If the god looked unimpressed with him and his breakdown, Adam couldn't notice. He was already far away from the current reality, taking the form of the earth beneath their feet. He was the soil and the salt surrounding them. He was running away from the moment. There was no boy, only the sky and the ground and everything else on Gaia.

"Did I break you?"

There was a palm against his heated cheek now, snapping Adam out from his dislocation. Every time he did it, he felt like he was lost. Wandering far away from his body and tempted to never return to the mortal fettering of his bruised skin. Now there was a touch to hold him down and Adam snapped, his soul running back into blood and bones. The wind sang in disappointment as Adam blinked rapidly, trying to remember how to function in his damaged body again.

It was like all the damage he faced crashing at once, the creaking of his brittle bones and the constant tension in his neck. He was used to the constant pain, a reminder of who birthed him. But when the earth beaconed him out of this ruined body, the pain did not exist and Adam craved feeling it for eternity.

The Greywaren had not left his side, thumb brushing gently against Adam cheek and fingertips running under Adam's eyelashes. He was so close and yet Adam did not feel the same fear he felt when anyone else moved into his space. This was something only Blue, Gansey and Persephone could do, touch him without startling him. How fast and easily he had let the Greywaren in.

"You cannot break what is already broken," Adam spat with a laugh that sounded too bitter. The Greywaren flinched at his words, moving onto combing his soft fingers through Adam's hair. He was being touched by a god he assumed did not possess any gentleness. Adam realized now that the Greywaren was as sweet as summer rain.

Off to the side, Gansey's watched them curiously before walking away, give them time for the intimate moment alone.

A decision passes on the Greywaren's sharp features, determination and softness in between the furrow of his eyebrows. Adam held a breath, afraid even an exhale could shatter _whatever_ this is.

"It's Ronan," the Greywaren whispered, a fear of someone else hearing evident from how rigid his shoulders are. Despite his anxiety, he doesn't look over his shoulders, keeping his blue-eyed gaze trained on Adam, like Adam was the only thing that existed on Gaia. "My commoner's name, I think mortal names are for losers"

The Greywaren did not apologize, instead, he offered Adam a gift. _Ronan_ , Adam muttered without sound, testing out the vowels wrapping around his lips. He had no doubt there would be a drawl when he said it out loud, his tongue loosening as he said the short ' _an_ '.

It suited the god before him, gentle and dark, dangerous and sweet. It was the name of a fallen god, divine but damaged.

_Ronan, Ronan, Ronan_

Adam pulled himself away from _Ronan's_ embrace, terrified of what he would do when his head wasn't fully back in his body yet and his heart was in control. Ronan gave him a nervous glance but Adam smiled shyly, only one corner of his lips quirking.

"Good thing you're a loser then"

There's a sigh of relief before Ronan shoved him on the shoulder, his own mouth in the shape of a smile in amusement. It was just like that, time started again and the earth was no longer frozen. The sounds of birds and streams rushed back at once, the wind kissing dried leaves as it flew past. They were back to normal. They would be okay.

"Ronan is a stupid name," Adam continued as he picked up the rope again, pretending like he didn't just have a full breakdown and astral projected from his mortal form, "I think I'll just continue to call you dick"

Ronan gave him an unimpressed look, going back to lifting the poles sloppily. Adam cringed at the sight of the work so badly done. The sun was resting soon and the shades of apricot surrounded Ronan's profile like a halo. Adam took his time in tearing his gaze away. A god on earth.

"Your crush on Campbell is showing"

"Shut up, dick"

★

He had willingly given a mortal his commoner's name, the name gifted to him by his mother before she turned into ash.

He hasn't been called Ronan in a long time, it hurt to be reminded of his life before both his parents had descended down to the underworld. Anyone who spoke it shot an arrow straight in Ronan's heart, not soft enough to be the lullaby that was his mother's voice.

' _My little seal_ ,' she would tease and Ronan would pretend to be irritated each time, before kissing his mother on her rosy cheek.

He missed her terribly, grief eating him out from the inside at the memory of her.

No one else called him Ronan, it was always his formal name or the name he inherited from his father. It was only his brothers left that referred to him as Ronan, and Ronan hasn't seen them in forever.

" _Ronan get off_ , I'm trying to not get us killed"

"Calm down, Parrish, it's just a campfire"

Now there was a mortal who said his name, breathing life into every letter, as if his old name hadn't died along with his father and his past self.

When Adam said Ronan, his vowels were drawled lazily, reminding Ronan of thick honeysuckle. The end of the word was always dragged out, like he couldn't control his tongue even when he could control whole forests. His lips pursed when he pronounced the front of Ronan's name, the corners of his lips turned upwards each time.

Adam said 'Ronan' like _Ronan_.

He also said it like a prayer.

Ronan felt like he was sent on fire.

His mother was probably watching him wherever she was, sighing amusement at how Ronan seemed to fall apart around pretty boys and their local accents. Steam rolled off him where Adam touched, flowers grew on his pillows in replacement of big dreams. His whole existence revolved around one boy now. Adam was the sun and Ronan would blindly follow him into the dark, circling him like the rings of Saturn.

This was not right of course, he was the god and Adam was the mortal.

It didn't matter, the wind sang and the earth awoke when Adam laughed, Ronan crumpled in bittersweet longing every time.


	5. heart that offends with its lonely and greedy demands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the nice comments, yikes i honestly lack any sense of basic human interaction and didn't know how to respond but i'll try to soon oof
> 
> the title of this chapter in my drafts was literally 'dumb tender hoes aren't subtle at flirting' so,,,

Breakfast lacks any of the previous night's tension. Much to Adam's disappointment, however, they slept in separate tents. Or at least Adam slept, he was sure the god- Ronan- didn't sleep a wink based on his restless pacing silhouetted by the thin canvas and small candlelight. Adam tried to not show his restlessness the next morning, frowning when he woke up to a cold side and way too much empty space next to him. It was useless to keep attached to things that were never his but his rationality didn't seem to function when it came to handsome gods and defined shoulders. Adam had slept soundlessly but without relief, by the time the sun had grazed daytime again, Adam was craving touch like hunger.

His heart was still full of adrenaline from last night, a softness he wasn't sure he was capable of possessed him like the earth did, drowning his senses and leaving him pliant. Adam was naturally rigid and reluctant, he pulled himself away from reality and shut a majority of people out like instinct. That morning, the usual Adam had melted out of his shell and slipped between the cracks created by Ronan's holy hands tenderly stroking his cheek. Adam hummed as he made his way to last night's fireplace, smiling a private grin to himself when he spotted Ronan already there eating their last few scraps of bread.

Adam sat on the damp grass and was pressed by Ronan's side as he tore into the remaining pieces of bread without a word, overly aware they would have to find civilisation soon for proper food. Adam dreaded being surrounded by people again and he was sure his companions weren't exactly eager to leave the fresh outdoors for rotting towns ridden with death and torment. Still, survival was survival and Adam Parrish would sacrifice anything to make sure he lived another day.

Ronan didn't comment on their proximity, how Adam basically latched himself to the alluring promise of Ronan's skin brushing against his own, but Adam could feel him tense slightly, like he was holding his breath. Adam couldn't tell what that meant, couldn't decipher if Ronan was stiff because he was uncomfortable or if he was nervous, a strange maze of emotions on his carefully crafted neutral expression.

Adam Parrish was anything but stupid, that day at the creek when Ronan had asked him about Blue with a brash tone, purposefully uncaring. Ronan had told him a secret, he had told a mere mortal his secret, about a boy that had caught his heart. And while Adam had a brief flash of jealousy that this boy who was probably a god and aeons better than simple Adam Parrish, he also took a second to wistfully hope the boy was him. It was stupid of course, Adam was born from dirt and coldness, he was and never will be worthy of catching the attention of a god like Ronan, made of literal stars and dreams.

Still, every gaze Ronan spared him prickled Adam's neck, and the _hope_ of something more never left.

Adam pressed in further to Ronan's side, their bodies flushed as Adam leaned over Ronan's lap to reach for the bag resting on Ronan's other side. Adam could have just taken the bag like a normal person and forgo practically laying in Ronan's lap, no matter how brief, but he was experimenting, testing the waters for more results to his half-formed hypothesis. He heard Ronan inhale sharply with his good ear, smiling to himself in pleasantry as he purposefully grazed his hand to Ronan's knee as he sat back right again. He faked nonchalance as he continued to eat his bare breakfast, watching from the corner of his eye as Ronan's face burned red.

Adam grinned in satisfaction.

★

"Oh good, you two finally made up"

Gansey mumbled mindlessly as he took the last empty seat across from them, tearing into his own breakfast as if he hadn't just changed the mood of the campsite. Ronan's face still felt warm as he ignored Gansey's withering look between him and Adam. Adam, the little bastard, kept eating like he didn't just make Ronan a mess with a slight press of his clever hands. 

"It's not like that"

Gansey only hummed in acknowledgement, which only means he didn't believe a thing that came out of either of their mouths, enjoying some blend of soup with irritating side glances. Subtlety is an art form and Richard Gansey is a fucking shit artist.

Ronan sees Adam's cheeks darken and pretends like he isn't a breath away from plummeting Gansey's smug face into the dirt. _Affectionately_ , of course.

Adam cleared his throat instead, the sleepy croak of his voice doing stupid, horrible things to Ronan's already weak heart. The attractive shade of red dusting under his freckles had subdued to a rosy hue and Ronan _almost_ told Gansey to fuck off so that he could continue to stare at Adam without any judgement, wallowing in his own self-pity at the craving of boney knuckles and elegant sloped cheekbones.

"We should probably hit town by evening come"

Ronan groaned, dramatically of course to make his annoyance known, while Gansey only nodded with agreement. Adam only raised an eyebrow at the both of them, pulling a torn-up map from Gansey's satchel, spreading it out onto the dirt despite Gansey's protests, and pointing to a small trail that leads to some strange church-inn that housed wandering travellers. Gansey had patted Adam's back in joy while Ronan continued to sulk in silence all throughout breakfast, reluctant to give up the peace of seeing Adam unfettered and enigmatic in the wilderness.

★

Off to the side of the road was a cottage like Adam had claimed.

It was a full three hours of walking from their campsite before they finally found the fading trailed marked on Gansey's ancient map. Their general lack of direction as a collective and the heavy load of shit they travelled around with made trekking the unmarked areas of the lands unnecessarily difficult. Ronan bristled at the sight of the worn-out inn, unwilling to admit he was glad for a resting place even if he hated the thought of interacting with anyone else outside of Gansey and Adam for the rest of their journey.

Gansey groaned at the sight of the cottage too, possibly in relief, as he dropped his bags to the ground without giving a shit that he was dirtying his possessions. Ronan smirked at Adam's subtle grimace as they studied the relatively small establishment, modest and slowly being overtaken by the fauna that grew around it. Ronan didn't comment a word when he witnessed Adam brush his hands across a wide fern leaf, the plant growing to meet his touch before shrinking back down again as they passed by towards the wooden door.

The archway had a rustic quality to it which reminded Ronan briefly of the Barns back home, in Cabeswater. Music that sounded suspiciously like Irish jigs filtered loudly through the unlatched windows. For the first time in a while, there was nothing Ronan had on hand that would help him numb his homesickness.

An old woman who barely reached past Ronan's chest emerged from the cottage, wearing an apron and her dirty blonde hair tied up in a bun stared at them, blinking as if she couldn't believe her eyes. They stood awkwardly as well, unsure how to approach her, until Adam stepped forward with a boyish smile on his lips.

Ronan tried his hardest not wither under her gaze, but there was something uncomfortable with how she kept glancing at him longer than she did Gansey and Adam. It made his skin crawl as he tried to ignore the obvious reason why she kept on staring at him like an anomaly, reminded of why he rarely interacted with mortals.

★

"I'll handle it," Adam offered, walking up to the lady who mildly studied the three boys with curiosity. Gansey had a natural charm to him but it seemed that older women just had an affinity to smother Adam Parrish, from the women at Fox Way to the ladies at the farmer's market. Adam could already imagine Ronan's irritating comments about _'Parrish has a type huh'_

"Evenin' ma'am, m' names Adam and these are my friends Dick One and Dick Two," Adam drawled, lathering on the southern boy act like butter. He hears protests coming from both Gansey and Ronan from behind him and snickers, serves them both right. "We were jus' wonderin' if you maybe had a spare room or two in your lovely inn for coupla wanderers"

The lady nodded with a welcoming smile, eagerly gesturing them inside, a collective sigh coming from all three boys at the good news.

" _Jus' wonderin'_ " Ronan mocked, dropping the vowels like flies the way Adam had while he was kissing ass. Adam just pinched him in the abdomen in retaliation. Gansey sighed like a recently divorced mother as he picked up their bags again.

Walking in, the place had a similar layout to all the other places of worship back home, except for the obvious doors that lead to sleeping quarters and a large dining area where all the guests ate their meals. Adam tried not to gape at the pews and impressive marble statues as the nice lady got them settled in, mesmerised by the candles that seemed to line every surface. It was a beauty meant to be appreciated and Adam almost regretted he wasn't raised a son of faith.

Behind him, Ronan walked at a painfully slow pace, keeping his eyes trained to the wooden floors like the entire place burned him. Adam found it slightly ironic how a god could look so out of place in a building created for worship.

It was only once Adam's eyes snagged on a portrait of the first Greywaren did Adam finally understand why Ronan was so uncharacteristically silent throughout their tour, without a snipe or snarky comment to be heard once. 

Right in the centre of the temple was an oil painting of Niall Lynch, dark and broody with his thick eyebrows and dark hair, sharp cheekbones and neutral lips. Next to him was a woman who looked the opposite of him with a halo of golden hair and a bright smile, undoubtedly a dream with her pale blue eyes and striking beauty. It wasn't hard to imagine Ronan right smack in the middle of the family portrait, undeniably their son, part dreamer and part dream.

Adam offered Ronan his hand when he noticed the god's blatant refusal to look up and glance at the portrait. Ronan accepted his touch wordlessly and they kept on walking, far away from the temple and distancing themselves away from Ronan's grief.

★

Adam isn't sure when was the last time he had this much to eat. The answer was probably never because it was true. Adam Parrish had never had this much to eat for as long as he's been alive.

The fire in the dining room was warm, an actual hearth burning coal that cast sunsets in shades of orange all over the wooden surfacing. He forces himself to swallow his shame and pride as he gulped down wine for the first time, blanching mildly at the bitter slide down his parched throat. The old woman, Agnes, smiled at him and raised the already quarter empty bottle of mead. He shook his head politely, his curiosity about the taste of alcohol satisfied for a long time.

Ronan and Gansey looked at home surrounded by the luxuries, like they were used to the grandness, because they were. Ronan drank mug after mug of wine like it was stream water, seeming unfazed by the ridiculous amount he was downing. Gansey was at least had _some_ self-restraint, taking light sips periodically, although Adam suspected that had more to do with the fact that Gansey was a horrible lightweight than him being uncomfortable around alcohol. 

Adam tried to squash the bitter feelings storming in his rib cage, trying to slay the monster before it could rear its ugly head. The green-eyed creature, a shadow constantly trailing Adam wherever he went.

it was not their fault they had been blessed since birth and Adam was not. He knows he was just projecting his own insecurities, treating his companions like a mirror for everything he hated about himself. Adam was a strange, unknowable thing. He tries to ignore the guilt he feels as he takes another serving of the meal that consists of meat and not just dry wheat and milk.

The children back home were starving to death while his stomach was being filled more than once, he wonders if the rich back home ever felt the same guilt he did. Or maybe the privileged thought of themselves as gods, undisturbed by the lowly lives of the dying. Adam made a silent promise to himself he would always feel this guilt when the quest was over, when he returned back to Henrietta and he would finally be able to afford more than an occasional meal. He swore he would help the children that looked just as sickly as he does, feel the way he did right now at least one, satisfied and fed. A temporary replacement for love none of them, poor children of the earth, would ever receive.

Ronan snapped him out of his spiral by nudging him in the side, just a little too roughly on his left side. Adam tried to hide the wince that came with being brushed on his still tender ribs, refusing to admit he was suffering constantly even miles away from home. The surprise that came with not hearing Ronan's silent attack had caused Adam to slide into panic mode, knocking Ronan away in self-protection.

Adam felt pathetic.

Ronan gave him a _look_. Stunned and confused, the flame from the fireplace dancing on his high cheekbones like hellfire.

Adam returned to himself with an irritated scowl.

Ronan doesn't comment on Adam's reaction, brushing him off with a shrug and went to disturb Gansey and his barely touched wine instead.

Adam sighed silently under his breath in gratitude, it was an understanding between them not to prod on tender wounds. Adam glanced up from his empty plate at Ronan once more, bathed in the golden embers from the domesticated fire, looking dangerous and ready for war. It must be torture to rest at a place that reminded him so strongly of his trauma and Adam was extremely grateful Ronan would suffer through this emotional headache just so Adam and Gansey could sleep indoors for once.

Adam couldn't find the words in himself to convey his gratitude though, so he nudged Ronan's hand with his own under the safety of the dining table. He sees the corners of Ronan's lips twitch, doubting it had anything to so with Gansey's insanely unfunny story, before he felt their pinkie fingers intertwine underneath the shadows.

Adam smiled shyly as Ronan turned his head away, a dark blush obvious on his cheeks despite the orange light cast on his sharp profile.

★

The quarters he was assigned to had actual _beds_.

Unfortunately, Agnes had only one spare room that particular night. Fortunately, said room had four beds with plenty of space for three growing boys and their disgusting habits like pissing with the door open.

It didn't matter to Adam, he would have just slept on the floor anyway if there wasn't enough space, reserving himself as the only pure mortal in their strange trio. Unworthy of a mattress filled with feathers or heating.

But tonight, _tonight_ he could pretend he was on the same level as his two holy companions.

Adam looked around at the plenty of firewood and deep blue blankets available for him to wrap inside of if his bones ached with cold, feeling a stirring in his heart. His finger grazed against the water basin, disrupting the stagnant clear reflection with his ripples, perfect for scrying. He gripped his toes on the moss rug and felt like he could cry. There were even _proper pillows_.

" _Oh sugar!_ " Ronan called out in a poor mockery of Adam's accent with his hands clutched to his chest as he sprawled lazily on _Adam's_ bed, " _Won't you be a darlin' and tuck me into bed_ "

Really the only downside of this room was the fact that he had to share it with Ronan.

Adam glared at him while forcing his lips into a dangerous smile, shoving Ronan into the mattress. He thinks he preferred it when Ronan pretended he didn't exist and barely spoke a word. What peaceful times it used to be.

"Why of course, _sweetheart_ "

Adam made sure to slur all his vowels as he batted his eyelashes teasingly, smothering Ronan's burning face with one of the pillows. It fills him with great satisfaction as Ronan splutters in embarrassment, scrambling to sit back up in bed, struggling against Adam's wrath.

"You can sleep outside next time, _peanut,_ " Adam teased, pinching Ronan's cheeks to an even more impossible shade of pink. The god only struggled against Adam's hold, kicking his legs wildly to get Adam to back off. Adam, on the other hand, was relentless, pining Ronan's wrists together above his head onto the soft mattress.

"Oh please, you would miss me too much"

It was then Gansey walked into the main sleeping quarters, rubbing one of his eyes as a toothbrush hung from his lips, staring at his two companions with a furrow between his eyebrows.

"Can you two grossly flirt when I'm less exhausted?"

They pull apart quickly with red faces like they've been burnt.

Gansey looked a little too smug as he swallowed his mint paste.

Adam was heaving as he tried to catch his breath again, leaning against Ronan on his bed as they watched Gansey get ready for bed, Ronan whistling obnoxiously as Gansey stripped his shirt off for his sleeping clothes. Gansey only threw his shirt at him in retaliation which only started a domino effect in which they start a _very mature_ pillow fight as Adam was forced in the middle of their crossfire.

"Agnes is gonna kill us if we wake up the rest of her guests"

"I can think of a few things we could do _really loudly_ that would really wake them up"

"You're right Ronan, we _should_ murder you really loudly"

Gansey only gave them an exasperated sigh as he threw one last pillow in his ammunition at Ronan's chest before he was going to sleep now and was going to pointedly ignore everything they did behind his back.

Ronan snickered as the lamp finally got blown out, shifting closer to a dozing off Adam. Adam wouldn't admit it out loud of course, but he missed the gentle warmth that came with sleeping by Ronan's side, that first night by the forest clearing a simple bliss he craved and thought of too often to be healthy. He missed the curve of Ronan's shoulder and Ronan's breath brushing over his skin in steady rhythms of slumber. Adam was exhausted and he was touch starved, barely able to force himself to sit up when Ronan was so closed by.

A hand caught his wrist just as he's about to move over to his own bed, catching him by surprise. Ronan kept his gaze to the ground, an almost shy quality to him as silver moonlight highlighted his features through the window.

"Stay," he whispered as Adam slowly sat back down to the edge of his bed, "I can't handle sleeping here alone"

The 'without you' went unsaid but Adam nodded in understanding as he crawled up to Ronan's side in sudden relief, his arms tentatively taking their place around the god's torso. It was too intimate and Adam felt like he was going to combust at any moment, especially when Ronan nuzzled into the hollow of his neck and sighed. Adam was still and awkward as he tried to control his heavy breathing, going loose at the seams as Ronan melted next to him.

It was dangerous, being so close when Adam's heart was fluttering around like a hummingbird during summertime. It didn't matter though, not when Ronan reached out his own arms to wrap around Adam's bruised torso.

"I won't tell if you won't" was all Ronan said as Adam felt his breath caught in his throat, greedy eyes tracing the sharp features and long eyelashes still closed against Ronan's cheek.

Adam hummed and nodded even though Ronan couldn't see him, bringing their bodies closer than what was safe and indulging himself with a longing he knew better than to give into.

Of course, Adam knew what he was doing wasn't logical. That this was giving in to an impulse he should've put on a leash the first moment he started thinking of the god before him as _Ronan_ instead of _Greywaren_. But in the pale moonlight, as their breathing started to sync up and Adam's heartbeat had morphed into a subtle drumming instead of a frantic pounding, Adam couldn't bring himself to care. He was mortal and selfishness was an ugly mortal trait he was willing to surrender himself to for one more night. Ronan Lynch has ruined him for anybody else and Adam had allowed him to willingly without protests.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi my name is dumbbitch and i like making things unnecessarily difficult for myself by accidentally writing a 20k fic during exam season


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